Late last week, I read a news story about a Latina woman accused of plagiarism with the word "hence" circled on her paper, whose blog post on the matter can be found here. I asked my wife if she had ever had a professor do that to her, accuse her of plagiarism or of cheating because she did too well, and she said she hadn't. She asked if I had. I nodded.
When I was a senior at a very well-regarded all-girls Catholic high school in Southern California, I completed a project for my AP English class on the excellent poem "To a Daughter Leaving Home," by Linda Pastan. Our assignment was to choose a poem in our anthology, "perform" it in front of the class, and hand in a written explication.
I had worked on this project for weeks, wanting to do this gorgeous piece justice, and also wanting to deliver a Tony Award-winning performance. When the class received their written reports back, mine had no letter grade at the top, but a message ("See me after class") and the word "foci" circled around three pages in. Puzzled, I approached my (admittedly, excellent) teacher, who told me that she had concerns that I had plagiarized my essay. In short, it was too brilliant of an essay to be mine. I insisted that I hadn't, and that I had worked very hard on the piece, drawing parallels to my own life--leaving for college soon, the daughter of a single mother who must be feeling a range of emotions, etc.--and that it meant more to me than any other assignment that year. She begrudgingly accepted my explanation, but warned me that I needed to submit the same high caliber work the rest of the semester in order to keep the "A" on the assignment, which constituted a large portion of my final grade. Embarrassed but grateful to avoid further trouble, I thanked her and scurried away, and I didn't talk about the incident for another fifteen years.
I can't (and won't) say that this was an instance of racism, as there are many other women of color with whom I graduated that are formidable, accomplished, wonderful women, who may or may not have been subjected to this indignity, but it was certainly a case of prejudice and humiliation. I never forgot it, and I'm proud to say that my teacher's warnings did inspire me to keep my "A," and earn a 5 on the AP examination. So, thanks for the motivation, Mrs. Potts. It has certainly helped me accomplish more than you thought I could.
Sincerely,
Dr. Ouano
Monday, October 31, 2016
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Adoption: Full Steam Ahead!
In my previous exposition, I spoke openly about our fertility journey and how, in the end, it isn't the right choice for us (at this point, anyway). We've sat in lots of chairs, but the one that feels just right? Adoption! From foster care! But not with DCF. If you, like me, are curious about this process, don't want to work with DCF, and are fruitless in your internet searches, I hope this post sheds some light.
Our first stop on the private adoption train in Connecticut was Jewish Family Services, which was a DCF partner at one time, but is pretty much strictly domestic infant adoption (DIA) now. We knew we couldn't be placed with them because of the cost of DIA, but we were interested in having them do our home study, which is around $2000 right now. Our social worker encouraged us to investigate fertility (as previously mentioned--sigh) and also to figure out what agency we'd like to be placed with, since it's easier to do both the home study and placement with the same one.
The search for a placement agency turned up Spence-Chapin, an amazing agency out of NYC with outposts in Connecticut! Even better, we found that their home study fee for domestic adoptions of all kinds is $1500, and that one of their specialities is special needs infant and toddler adoption (which they call ASAP). That particular program is so well-funded that they do not charge a fee for placement, which is fairly uncommon across the country. In addition, they offer an international adoption program with several countries, including South Africa, which is an LGBT-friendly pilot program! Home study fees are $2500 for an international home study, and placement fees are more, making it pretty out of reach for us, but it was pretty cool to see international LGBT adoption programs.
We attended an orientation with Spence-Chapin, and were crazy impressed with ASAP. After speaking with a social worker, however, we realized that there are over fifty families waiting in their ASAP program, and that placement could take years. We reasoned that although the wait for our child would be more than worth it, there are so many children in need of homes now! So, we pushed on to find a private agency that would license for foster care.
Next stop: Connecticut Adoption Services, a private agency out of Norwich that does all kinds of adoptions, including adoptions from foster care! We met with their social worker out of Wallingford, who was awesome. In our first meeting, she told us that there are seventeen agencies in the state who license foster parents--seventeen! I was baffled. I only stumbled upon Connecticut Adoption Services after hours and hours of research, how can there be seventeen agencies with absolutely no marketing and outreach program at all?! Crazy. Anyway, our social worker was fantastic, digging into policies and reaching out to other agencies when she didn't know answers to our hundreds of questions. She was such an advocate for us, and although we didn't, in the end, move forward with CAS, I can't recommend Karen Annis enough!
Returning to my good friend Google was especially exciting after finding that so many agencies license foster parents, and I found several local agencies that looked awesome. Some specialize in teen rehabilitation (i.e. kids who have been released from juvenile detention or are living in group homes), or medically complex infants, or children with behavioral or emotional issues from trauma...the scope of these agencies' diversity is impressive. So, who are we working with? Boys and Girls Village of Milford! Watch this, and tell me you don't understand why:
Yeah. I know. Our first contact with BGVillage brought us to our two social workers, Bethany and Kelly, and every interaction with them since has been reassuring, encouraging, and inspiring! We had our first in-person interview with them about a week ago, and are starting our TIPS-MAPP class on November 17th. If you have ever toyed with the thought of opening your heart and home to foster care, or even adoption, please give them a shout! They really have the well-being of both the children and prospective parents in mind from the get-go, and as I've found, that's pretty darn rare.
In the three years that have passed since we first started this journey to motherhood, we've gone through some traumatic experiences, but in the end, it's challenged us to put our own insecurities and frustrations aside, so that we can be better parents for our kiddos. I'm grateful to have had this time to reflect on the positive qualities and areas for improvement that I bring to this family, and the opportunity to strengthen my marriage. There is still much to be done by way of home safety preparations, class completion, and paperwork, but the second week of February can't come soon enough!
Our first stop on the private adoption train in Connecticut was Jewish Family Services, which was a DCF partner at one time, but is pretty much strictly domestic infant adoption (DIA) now. We knew we couldn't be placed with them because of the cost of DIA, but we were interested in having them do our home study, which is around $2000 right now. Our social worker encouraged us to investigate fertility (as previously mentioned--sigh) and also to figure out what agency we'd like to be placed with, since it's easier to do both the home study and placement with the same one.
The search for a placement agency turned up Spence-Chapin, an amazing agency out of NYC with outposts in Connecticut! Even better, we found that their home study fee for domestic adoptions of all kinds is $1500, and that one of their specialities is special needs infant and toddler adoption (which they call ASAP). That particular program is so well-funded that they do not charge a fee for placement, which is fairly uncommon across the country. In addition, they offer an international adoption program with several countries, including South Africa, which is an LGBT-friendly pilot program! Home study fees are $2500 for an international home study, and placement fees are more, making it pretty out of reach for us, but it was pretty cool to see international LGBT adoption programs.
We attended an orientation with Spence-Chapin, and were crazy impressed with ASAP. After speaking with a social worker, however, we realized that there are over fifty families waiting in their ASAP program, and that placement could take years. We reasoned that although the wait for our child would be more than worth it, there are so many children in need of homes now! So, we pushed on to find a private agency that would license for foster care.
Next stop: Connecticut Adoption Services, a private agency out of Norwich that does all kinds of adoptions, including adoptions from foster care! We met with their social worker out of Wallingford, who was awesome. In our first meeting, she told us that there are seventeen agencies in the state who license foster parents--seventeen! I was baffled. I only stumbled upon Connecticut Adoption Services after hours and hours of research, how can there be seventeen agencies with absolutely no marketing and outreach program at all?! Crazy. Anyway, our social worker was fantastic, digging into policies and reaching out to other agencies when she didn't know answers to our hundreds of questions. She was such an advocate for us, and although we didn't, in the end, move forward with CAS, I can't recommend Karen Annis enough!
Returning to my good friend Google was especially exciting after finding that so many agencies license foster parents, and I found several local agencies that looked awesome. Some specialize in teen rehabilitation (i.e. kids who have been released from juvenile detention or are living in group homes), or medically complex infants, or children with behavioral or emotional issues from trauma...the scope of these agencies' diversity is impressive. So, who are we working with? Boys and Girls Village of Milford! Watch this, and tell me you don't understand why:
Yeah. I know. Our first contact with BGVillage brought us to our two social workers, Bethany and Kelly, and every interaction with them since has been reassuring, encouraging, and inspiring! We had our first in-person interview with them about a week ago, and are starting our TIPS-MAPP class on November 17th. If you have ever toyed with the thought of opening your heart and home to foster care, or even adoption, please give them a shout! They really have the well-being of both the children and prospective parents in mind from the get-go, and as I've found, that's pretty darn rare.
In the three years that have passed since we first started this journey to motherhood, we've gone through some traumatic experiences, but in the end, it's challenged us to put our own insecurities and frustrations aside, so that we can be better parents for our kiddos. I'm grateful to have had this time to reflect on the positive qualities and areas for improvement that I bring to this family, and the opportunity to strengthen my marriage. There is still much to be done by way of home safety preparations, class completion, and paperwork, but the second week of February can't come soon enough!
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
On the Queer and Winding Path to Parenthood
So since it's all that's on my mind at the moment, let's talk babies!
Our path to parenthood hasn't been easy, or particularly fun for that matter. We've known that we wanted to be parents for years, and thanks to two uteruses in this relationship, we are able to plan appropriately. A few years ago, we began the foster licensing process to adopt from foster care in Seattle, and two things happened: 1) the MAPP class was completely uninspiring and at times, downright terrifying, and 2) Allie received a job transfer from Washington to Massachusetts, effective within the month. We were about 3/4 of the way through training at that point, but saw no point in continuing, so we didn't. Damn my easily justified laziness! This whole thing would have been a lot easier if we would have just finished our training. But I digress...
We then moved to Boston (read: way outside of Boston because Boston's real estate market is nothing if not prohibitive). Even 40 miles outside of the city, our adorable budget bought us one dog-friendly studio of an impressive 400 square feet, with sieves for windows and neighbors who toked and spoke, loudly, at all hours of the night. DCF came to visit and gently encouraged us to call them back when we had a more appropriate place to bring home a baby. Oy.
Ten months later, we became new residents of New Haven, Connecticut, a medium-sized city with a racially and socio-economically diverse population, conveniently located halfway between Boston and New York City. If it seems like a bit of a downshift, it is! I grew up in LA, colleged in the Bay, grad schooled in the Chi, practiced in SEA, and made the daily commute on MBTA, so quaint little New Haven is a welcome respite. To sweeten the deal, we've purchased our first home (because Hello, Affordability!), and the additional 800 square feet is downright palatial.
Along with real estate ownership came the green light from DCF, so our first order of business was initiating a home study. Unfortunately, the DCF TIPS-MAPP experience was not a match for us (which is not to say it isn't for other families, so don't let our experience pull you away from them!), so we turned to a private adoption agency for special needs domestic infant adoption. The first social worker who met with us told us that we were a difficult family to place (lesbian? interracial? modest income?), and that we should seek fertility treatments before private adoption. We were shocked, but did as she said. And so started the brief heartbreak known fondly as "The Business of Baby-Making."
Fertility for the Common Lesbian
Since I'm home full-time, we naturally started with exploring my fertility. It's not a fun process. Here was our timeline:
Our path to parenthood hasn't been easy, or particularly fun for that matter. We've known that we wanted to be parents for years, and thanks to two uteruses in this relationship, we are able to plan appropriately. A few years ago, we began the foster licensing process to adopt from foster care in Seattle, and two things happened: 1) the MAPP class was completely uninspiring and at times, downright terrifying, and 2) Allie received a job transfer from Washington to Massachusetts, effective within the month. We were about 3/4 of the way through training at that point, but saw no point in continuing, so we didn't. Damn my easily justified laziness! This whole thing would have been a lot easier if we would have just finished our training. But I digress...
We then moved to Boston (read: way outside of Boston because Boston's real estate market is nothing if not prohibitive). Even 40 miles outside of the city, our adorable budget bought us one dog-friendly studio of an impressive 400 square feet, with sieves for windows and neighbors who toked and spoke, loudly, at all hours of the night. DCF came to visit and gently encouraged us to call them back when we had a more appropriate place to bring home a baby. Oy.
Ten months later, we became new residents of New Haven, Connecticut, a medium-sized city with a racially and socio-economically diverse population, conveniently located halfway between Boston and New York City. If it seems like a bit of a downshift, it is! I grew up in LA, colleged in the Bay, grad schooled in the Chi, practiced in SEA, and made the daily commute on MBTA, so quaint little New Haven is a welcome respite. To sweeten the deal, we've purchased our first home (because Hello, Affordability!), and the additional 800 square feet is downright palatial.
Along with real estate ownership came the green light from DCF, so our first order of business was initiating a home study. Unfortunately, the DCF TIPS-MAPP experience was not a match for us (which is not to say it isn't for other families, so don't let our experience pull you away from them!), so we turned to a private adoption agency for special needs domestic infant adoption. The first social worker who met with us told us that we were a difficult family to place (lesbian? interracial? modest income?), and that we should seek fertility treatments before private adoption. We were shocked, but did as she said. And so started the brief heartbreak known fondly as "The Business of Baby-Making."
Fertility for the Common Lesbian
Since I'm home full-time, we naturally started with exploring my fertility. It's not a fun process. Here was our timeline:
- Cycle Day 3: Baseline blood work, which amounted to around 13 vials, and transvaginal ultrasound
- Cycle Day 10: Hysterosalpingogram, a radiologic test that involves dye injected into your uterus/fallopian tubes to make sure they're open, best known as "a traumatic experience"
- Cycle Day 11: More blood work
- Cycle Day 17: Sonohysterogram, a procedure which involves the injection of saline into your uterus to make sure the endometrium is smooth, also known as "less traumatic experience than the hysterosalpingogram for me, but the opposite is true for my wife"
- Cycle Day 20: Luteal phase blood work
- Cycle Day 23: OB/GYN consultation
- Next Cycle Day 3: Fertility consultation
At the hallowed fertility consultation, I was informed that while my reproductive health was picture-perfect, my blood sugar wasn't stable enough for them to feel comfortable attempting a pregnancy. At first, I was all, "You can't tell me what to do with my body!" and then I was like, "Okay, I don't want to be totally ill for nine months only to birth a sixteen-pound baby with a pathological addiction to carbs," so I eventually made my peace with the whole thing. Then, it was Allie's turn.
My wife is a pacifist who usually has no trouble going along with my grand plans, and this situation was no exception. Her "diagnostic month" was delayed because her menses come and go as they please, but eventually we made it through her 35-day cycle. The investigation found that while her ovulation was mediocre, it could be optimized and induced with some well-timed hormone therapy, and we were ecstatic! This sublime happiness was short-lived, however, and expired completely when the medical bills arrived.
Financing Fertility
There are some things every person needs to keep in mind when embarking on this medical adventure:
- Call your insurance representative and verify your benefits before you begin (sometimes the insurance coordinator at your doctor's office has different info than what you're told, which is awesome)
- If you can, plan a Health Savings Account to cover your medical expenses with pre-tax dollars
- Check into your employer's family planning benefits, in case there are some hidden gems
- Look into alternative funding sources for this process, like your 401K or awesome loan companies like Upstart
Allie and I are lucky to have decent healthcare coverage through her employer, and our diagnostic work was covered almost totally in-network. We obviously paid copays with every visit and lab draw, and the remaining balances for the diagnostic procedures (roughly $80 each, after insurance adjustment), but were caught completely unaware when we received a $1718 bill for the genetic panel our reproductive endocrinologist ordered. I vaguely remembered signing a waiver for the test, vowing that I would pay the balance after my insurance did its thing, but had no idea about the actual cost. Our Good Start Genetics test evaluated our risk of passing along genetic diseases to our babies, which is fantastic, but in my opinion, unnecessary. Still, we were so filled with excitement that we decided to be compliant, low-maintenance patients. Amateur move.
Luckily, the folks at Good Start were very helpful in helping us navigate this sticky situation, and offered a discounted You-Pay-It-All-Now rate, flexible payment plans, and even an option for financial aid. Fingers crossed that were are approved for a full scholarship! Application pending.
Back to Baby
With our doctor's blessing and a financial strategy in hand, we decided to work with Cryos International Sperm Bank because it is by far the best deal in the nation. Although there are other good ones that we also considered, including Midwest Sperm Bank (out of Downers Grove, IL, offers monthly specials, holla!) and Manhattan Cryobank (obviously out of NYC, fair shipping costs to surrounding areas, great selection of racial diversity, decent pricing), Cryos has options for anonymous, lower sperm count straws delivered on dry ice, which equalled big savings for us. They also deliver directly to you for home insemination--more savings! We sent over the donor number and paperwork to our reproductive endocrinologist, who then dealt the final blow: our insurance covered none of the intrauterine insemination (IUI) procedures or medications (which was expected), but that it is not his policy for patients to attempt home insemination (?!?!?!). Let's be clear: with his plan, monthly in-office IUIs would cost $2000, which includes $1000 for the insertion of a catheter into the cervix and the depression of the syringe plunger, $500 for a "sperm thaw" (yes, literally leaving the sample at room temperature for a short time--I am not even joking), $300 deposit for "sperm storage," and $200 for medication, plus the cost of sperm! Our doc was clear that we shouldn't expect success until our third try, better known as $6K made payable to his office. He refused us the right to limit our costs and attempt this as naturally as possible with home vaginal insemination, despite the absence of any health concerns for Allie, and my possession of a medical license! #isthisethical #HippocraticOath #stopholdingspermhostage
It was heartbreaking to realize that no amount of planning within our budget would enable us to finance this process. It was also hard to witness how financially greedy and manipulative this industry can be, and trust in the system takes a long time to build back, if it's possible to do so at all. In the end, we decided that the fertility route isn't for us, and that we should revisit the idea of adoption. So here we are, 32 and childless, but still brimming with hope that some day, we'll have a little one--or five--of our own! Stay tuned for more overshares on this topic.
New Day, New Blog
So, here's what I wrote five years ago:
I'd like to start out by offering a great big THANK YOU and HELLO! to the kind people following my ramblings on this blog. I appreciate all three of you!
Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to say a bit about why I'm here. I am a naturopathic doctor. Who graduated less than a month ago. And my schedule isn't exactly full just yet.
So, what does one do with a 40-hour work week and three patients on the schedule? Well, this one is writing. I'm writing marketing materials, networking letters, patient summaries (count them: THREE!), website content, newspaper articles, lecture powerpoints...it's only fitting that my proverbial pen meander over into the blogosphere. And here I am.
Now, I certainly intend for this blog to eventually be a resource for my patients and a soundboard on which I can safely express my thoughts and feelings on controversial medical topics, but this relies heavily on my success as a naturopathic practitioner. Until then, I'm here, presumably with you, explaining exactly what it feels like to be a new doctor in an unpredictable economical and legal climate, with some comic relief sprinkled here and there.
It's interesting to note that not much, and SO much, has changed in the half-decade that has passed since these words were first digitally etched. I'm still a naturopathic doctor with no patients, although this is now by choice. I'm still writing and editing and marketing, although thankfully, not for myself. In the last five years, I've completed a residency, preceptored medical students, practiced in two states, operated a free clinic site, and completely snuffed out my love for my profession. Has that ever happened to you? Have you invested your entire educational career and $250K in a path of unfulfilment? Is that even a word? Don't get me wrong, I will always live naturopathically--it's pretty much in my blood now. I'll always look at ingredient lists and product labels, I'll always clean green, and wear nontoxic makeup, and cook with non-GMO and organic foods. I'll always reach for an herbal tincture or explore my homeopathy kit before I request an antibiotic. I just don't want to want to do this for money--and I am okay with that.
Here's the challenging part, though. What's next? I've literally overeducated myself. I've sent out about 300 resumes and cover letters since deciding to leave my profession, and even with a year of service with AmeriCorps, no one from any field outside of my own will consider me. So I'm here, home, meal planning and bill paying and laundry doing, and you know what? It's actually pretty nice! I'm realizing that I'm the luckiest person in the world to be given this opportunity to think and breathe and experience fully, so I'm taking this time to learn about stuff that's obscure and interesting (or not at all interesting), to become licensed as a foster parent, and to carefully build a life for my family that is full of wonder and joy. Talk about lemonade! Thanks, Bey, for the inspiration.
I'd like to start out by offering a great big THANK YOU and HELLO! to the kind people following my ramblings on this blog. I appreciate all three of you!
Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to say a bit about why I'm here. I am a naturopathic doctor. Who graduated less than a month ago. And my schedule isn't exactly full just yet.
So, what does one do with a 40-hour work week and three patients on the schedule? Well, this one is writing. I'm writing marketing materials, networking letters, patient summaries (count them: THREE!), website content, newspaper articles, lecture powerpoints...it's only fitting that my proverbial pen meander over into the blogosphere. And here I am.
Now, I certainly intend for this blog to eventually be a resource for my patients and a soundboard on which I can safely express my thoughts and feelings on controversial medical topics, but this relies heavily on my success as a naturopathic practitioner. Until then, I'm here, presumably with you, explaining exactly what it feels like to be a new doctor in an unpredictable economical and legal climate, with some comic relief sprinkled here and there.
It's interesting to note that not much, and SO much, has changed in the half-decade that has passed since these words were first digitally etched. I'm still a naturopathic doctor with no patients, although this is now by choice. I'm still writing and editing and marketing, although thankfully, not for myself. In the last five years, I've completed a residency, preceptored medical students, practiced in two states, operated a free clinic site, and completely snuffed out my love for my profession. Has that ever happened to you? Have you invested your entire educational career and $250K in a path of unfulfilment? Is that even a word? Don't get me wrong, I will always live naturopathically--it's pretty much in my blood now. I'll always look at ingredient lists and product labels, I'll always clean green, and wear nontoxic makeup, and cook with non-GMO and organic foods. I'll always reach for an herbal tincture or explore my homeopathy kit before I request an antibiotic. I just don't want to want to do this for money--and I am okay with that.
Here's the challenging part, though. What's next? I've literally overeducated myself. I've sent out about 300 resumes and cover letters since deciding to leave my profession, and even with a year of service with AmeriCorps, no one from any field outside of my own will consider me. So I'm here, home, meal planning and bill paying and laundry doing, and you know what? It's actually pretty nice! I'm realizing that I'm the luckiest person in the world to be given this opportunity to think and breathe and experience fully, so I'm taking this time to learn about stuff that's obscure and interesting (or not at all interesting), to become licensed as a foster parent, and to carefully build a life for my family that is full of wonder and joy. Talk about lemonade! Thanks, Bey, for the inspiration.
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| Obligatory pic of my awesome tri-pawed puppy and me. Obviously. |
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