When Adoption Disrupts, or "Why It's Been Awhile"

I suppose the best place to start would be where we last left our blog: the disclosure meeting.  The disclosure meeting was a pivotal moment in our journey, because it was officially included us in the adoption discussion, and we couldn't have been more excited!  Our disclosure meeting happened on March 8th, in a small conference room in a neighboring city's DCF office.  We met with a myriad of social workers and their supervisors, and spent an hour and a half hashing out potential transition plans, family histories, and current schedules, and finally, we set the date for our first meeting.

We met B and C on March 18th, immediately after reviewing the latest CPR guidelines and pumping life into rubber mannequins.  We had exactly three hours to spend with them in our agency's family meeting room and they were, well, intense.  The boys were excited to have a special play date, and I think the unbridled and unstructured play time was a bit overwhelming for them.  Three-year-old C managed to put away two pieces of cheese pizza, twelve chicken nuggets, ten "straw-babies," and a clementine--and promptly vomited when he at last came up for air.  (Note: must pay better attention to portion control for toddlers.  Yikes.)  Four-year-old B was much more disciplined with his dining, but was having difficulty acclimating to his newfound freedom, and spent the final hour of our day hurling (with extreme accuracy and surprising force, I might add) stuffed animals, throw pillows, and toys at my wife.  The day left us exhausted and confused, but still hopeful for the next meeting.

A few days later, their social worker brought B and C to our home, and we spent a few hours birdwatching through our huge living room windows, playing with "cars and guys," and munching on a much more modest after school snack.  The boys were friendly and affectionate, with impeccable manners to boot!  We wrapped up the day with a tour of their bedroom, and they were super stoked to know that the room included a Mega Bloks train and fire truck.

The following week, we learned that their foster mother requested a week of respite, and the social worker team agreed that this would be an ideal time to see how the boys would respond to living in our home.  They were happily dropped off at our house on March 29th, and A and I were ecstatic to be playing and dining as a family for the first time.  Bedtime proved a bit of a challenge, but still nothing unexpected, and we high-fived each other as we finally turned out the lights at 11 pm that night.

Unfortunately, that first day proved to be the calm before the storm, and we began seeing behaviors from the boys that were beyond typical toddler/preschooler tantrums--clear signs of former trauma.  Without getting too detailed, I will say that what we were reporting to the social workers throughout the week had never been seen with these kiddos, and that in itself was a huge cause for concern.

Although A and I are licensed as therapeutic foster parents (meaning that we have received additional training to be able to parent children deemed "clinical"), in the end, it was decided that we are not the right match for these beautiful boys.  This development was logical of course, but still devastating.  Over the past week, A (who is concurrently battling the cold of her life) and I have shed tears, felt lost, turned to prayer, become angry, argued with each other, fallen asleep at 6:30 pm, binge-watched Netflix, sculpted with Play Doh in silence, taken epsom-and-baking soda baths, meditated, exercised, spent 4 hours and $400 filing taxes, skipped meals, read adoption blogs, and met with our therapists, and I still can't say that we're feeling all that much better.  We're riding our own waves of trauma and loss, and each Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle we find lodged between couch cushions or tiny sock in the laundry basket feels like a stab in the heart.

We're grateful for several things, however, and the most important one is that the boys never knew that we were intending to be their adoptive mothers.  To them, we were just another set of babysitters ready to take them for a week of respite.  The team wanted to gauge how the week with us went before broaching the subject of permanency with the kids, and we are certainly glad that they were so mindful.  The boys left our home on a good note, singing nursery rhymes and laughing on their way to school, and I'm happy that that's how they'll remember us.  Although I don't know what's next for their case, I'm sure our agency is hard at work to match them with their forever home, and getting them the services that they very clearly need.  I have no doubts that these boys will go on to live happy, fulfilling lives.

We're also grateful for you, our friends and family, who have sent us private messages of support, asking how things are going.  We're sorry that we've been slow to respond and somewhat evasive with our answers, but we really are so happy that we're not alone in this.  Please know that we, too, are looking forward to spending time together once the dust settles!

So, what's next for us?  We've taken a bit of time to work that out for ourselves.  In our discernment, we have considered just doing respite care for a while, putting a (permanent?) pause on parenthood, and even relocating once more to start fresh.  But in the end, we're committed to our journey, and we're ready to be a pre-adoptive home.  With the blessing of our agency, we're returning to DCF for case management and placement, where we'll have the best chance at being matched successfully.  In the meantime, we're still respite foster parents.  Two school-aged kiddos will be staying with us during their Spring Break this week, and we're planning to take full advantage of the Yale Peabody Museum membership we received at our shower (thanks, IKEA Stoughton!) while they're here.

Thanks again for coming along with us on this bumpy ride.  We're sure there's more happiness ahead, and can't wait to share it with you.
S + A

P.S. We just found out that C was matched and B is #1 on the waiting list for our top school selection.  Thanks for the luck and well wishes!  I am hopeful that they can still attend next year, they deserve the best.